Cheaper By The Dozen – Movie Review
107 Minutes, Rated PG
Written by Kenya Barris and Jenifer Rice-Genzuk Henry
Directed by Gail Lerner
Synopsis:
The raucous exploits of a blended family of 12, the Bakers, as they navigate a hectic home life while simultaneously managing their family business.
Oh, dear, Hollywood. Have we sunk so low as to have to remake this property… again?
Has anyone been clamoring for this?
We get it: blending families is hard. It has ALWAYS been hard.
But this version, starring Zach Braff and Gabrielle Union, is especially annoying and disappointing for many reasons.
First, there’s literally no point to using this conceit any longer. Society has progressed to the point that “traditional” families are almost non-existent in reality, much less in cinema. And God forbid a film does have such a unit in it, it is almost always surrounded by groups and individuals who poo-poo the idea of such a thing, often to the point of pontificating about how such a thing could possibly last.. and almost always being played for laughs.
Second, this is a trap movie, and by that I mean that no matter how legitimate a criticism might be (and there are criticisms to be made), it will inevitably be met with the rebuttal of “you must be a -ist/-phobe/whatever” if you don’t gush over the film.
News flash: there is literally nothing to gush about here. There is nothing new here. Worse yet, what IS here is so ridiculously overblown in terms of being silly, or predictable, or socially-conscious that even 100% valid observations the film might make (and there are some) are handled so ham-fistedly as to make them unwatchable.
From the omni-present, new-age, yoga teaching ex-wife who is constantly around to babysit the entire brood, to the successful ex-husband who returns just in time to muddy the waters of the familial relationship, to the “bad-seed” cousin who enters to further complicate things, to the husband (Braff) suddenly getting a shot to expand the quaint family business to the big-time, there is nary a cliche left un-utilized.
The oldest girl (star point guard looking for that full-ride scholarship), the not one but TWO sets of bi-racial twins, to the aforementioned cousin, to the adopted (Indian) son of deceased friends, to the wheelchair-bound (but unexplained) goth/punk-band daughter, literally the only identity group I don’t recall encountering here was a LGBTQIA+ representative.
Shame on you, Disney. How can we possible take this seriously without gay representation?
I could go on, but here’s the bottom line: even by Disney’s ridiculous happy standards, this movie is too much.
Every. Single. Person. Gets. What. They. Want. And. Are. Happy.
Everyone.
Skip it.
Cheaper By The Dozen is now on Disney+.
Cheaper By The Dozen stars Gabrielle Union, Zach Braff, Brittany Daniel, Erika Christensen, Cynthia Daniel, Kylie Rogers, Ron Funches, Luke Prael, Simon Othello Daise, Mykal-Michelle Harris, Cynthia Murell, Caylee Blosenski, Erika Medina, Carlos Santos, Nicole Kornet, Lauren Gaw, Andrea Robinson, and Journee Brown.
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