Wicked – Part One

Review by Mark Woodring

Do I really need to include my standard “I don’t generally care for musicals” disclaimer at this point, or do y’all remember that I’ve also found myself tolerating and even enjoying more of them as I become more exposed to them from a critical POV?

**NOTE: this post may be updated with audio once we actually have the chance to talk about it. Until then, you can read Mark’s review below. Remember, though, you can listen to all our discussions of this and every other movie directly over on ACAST. Stay tuned.**

Wicked Part One (Universal)
Wicked Part One (Universal)

160 Minutes, Rated PG
Written by Winnie Holzman, Dana Fox, Gregory Maguire
Directed by Jon M. Chu

Synopsis:

Elphaba, a misunderstood young woman because of her green skin, and Glinda, a popular girl, become friends at Shiz University in the Land of Oz. After an encounter with the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, their friendship reaches a crossroads.

 

Up front: NO, I haven’t read the book. I haven’t seen the stage production, either. I get to watch this one and evaluate it for what it is, nothing else.

That said, I can tell you that at the screening I attended, which was FULL of clear fans of either the book or musical or both, there was a lot of affirmation of what they were seeing on the screen. I knew what was a bit a fan service by their reactions, and it was absolutely clear to me by the end of the film (two hours and forty minutes later — for PART ONE!) that existing fans are likely going to be incredibly happy with this, so I’m not even going to try to address any of my comments at them.

Instead, I’ll direct my commentaries at those folks who, like me, might not be initially disposed to enjoy this one.

If you don’t want to read the entirety of what follows, let me sum it up this way:

I didn’t like it.

Now, if you’d like to know why I feel that way, feel free to read on.

I absolutely don’t want to get into a long, drawn-out explanation of this, so let’s highlight what the hell is wrong with this thing:

  • “SHIZ” is a terrible name for the university of OZ where the majority of the film takes place.
  • Galinda (later “Glinda”) is a prissy, entitled, bitch, used to getting everything she wants, whenever she wants it.
  • Elphaba is a neglected child, a product of her mother’s infidelity, as opposed to RAPE in the book, which I guess is supposed to be better…?
  • Animals (which can speak at this time in Oz) are systematically being deprived of their voices, which is a perfect metaphor for Cancel Culture, so I suppose that’s one thing that actually makes sense here.
  • There is an absolutely CRINGE dance sequence in this thing, one which plays like a slow-motion train wreck version of the “intended to be humiliating” scene from A Knight’s Tale, but without anything justifying it’s genesis, which concludes with the most painfully avoided lesbian attraction scene between (Galinda and Elphaba) ever NOT put on film.
  • In a beautiful version of “hastag activism,” Galinda announces she will change her name to match the pronunciation used by her imprisoned professor (a GOAT, voiced by Peter Dinklage, who apparently couldn’t get work with Disney for any of the Snow White reshoots): “Glinda.” A dramatic announcement of an “action” which will accomplish nothing.
  • There is a prince in this thing, though I don’t know why. He seems to exist only to provide an unrealized sexual competition between Glinda and Elphaba, despite their obvious attraction to one another. He’s such a beautiful “bad boy” that even the male students are clearly lustful about him.
  • I’m going to say it: the songs were absolute momentum killers. They start singing and the movie drags itself through them.
  • Jeff Goldblum as the Wizard is playing Jeff Goldblum playing Grandmaster from Thor: Ragnarök… and less convincingly, I might add.
  • The Wizard is no longer a bumbling, fearful, unwilling exile from our world to Oz; he’s actually malicious, in every single aspect of the word. He is 100% the villain of this story.
  • “Ariana Grande-Butera” needed to rethink her choice of vocal stylings for Glinda; she grates with every word spoken, and the over-the-top musical embellishments kill the lyrics of a lot of her numbers (“Popular” being an exception).
  • As incredible an actress and singer as Cynthia Erivo is (and she absolutely is), she is, frankly, too OLD to be playing the part of a young adult entering what is supposed to be college…she simply doesn’t fit. Not that race is a factor for a character who’s GREEN, but if they’d wanted to stay with a woman of color, they’d have been better off going with someone like Halle Bailey, who would have been 22-23 at the time of filming of this instead of Erivo’s 35-ish.
  • And “SHIZ” is the most diverse university I’ve ever seen depicted on film: they even have a token straight student, though we can only assume he’s straight because he lusts after Glinda, despite Elphaba’s sister, Nessarose (whose origin and disability was changed from the book to the musical), being RIGHT THERE!

What is with Hollywood’s recent obsession with trying to rehabilitate villains? To try and justify their evil. Look, I love a movie where the bad guy wins. Sometimes Evil wins; it’s just a fact.

I’m already dreading the idea that Disney seems to be trying to do this with the upcoming Mufasa, in which the trailer seems to show Scar being the heir to the throne before his family adopts (?) Mufasa and we wind up with him on the throne, seeming to ret-con the entire premise of the original film.

Sony is trying to turn villain Kraven into some sort of anti-hero by changing his entire character from heartless hunter to unbridled defender.

It’s dumb. STOP IT!

I love a good Bad guy, but what I don’t like is a Good bad guy, if you get my meaning.

If you aren’t a fan of Wicked already, you will likely find nothing in this adaptation to make you one. This is a project built for its extant audience and no one else. Unfortunately, there are enough fans of the Broadway musical that this will win the box office for at least its opening weekend (though I’ll be rooting for Gladiator II, which I’m seeing tonight, despite the fact I don’t think that film should exist, either, simply on principle).

And then we’ll be subjected to Wicked – Part Two.

F*ck me. I’m done.

Wicked ret-cons itself into theaters on Friday, November 22 and stars Ariana Grande, Cynthia Erivo, Jonathan Bailey, Jeff Goldblum, Peter Dinklage, Marissa Bode, Michelle Yeoh, and Ethan Slater.

And remember, if the BEST thing you can say about a movie is that it’s “visually stunning,” then they’ve done something wrong.

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