Snow White

Review by Mark Woodring

According to IMDB, this is Rachel Zegler’s 6th feature film. Aside from the Hunger Games prequel, how many of them have made any appreciable $$ or been considered overly successful?

That’s what I thought.

**NOTE: You can read Mark’s review below, then listen as he and Ryan discuss the movie in more depth. Remember, though, you can listen to all our discussions of this and every other movie directly over on ACAST. Stay tuned.**

Snow White - Review
Snow White (Disney)

 

109 Minutes, Rated PG
Written by Erin Cressida Wilson, Jacob Grimm, Wilhelm Grimm
Directed by Marc Webb

Synopsis:

A princess joins forces with seven dwarfs to liberate her kingdom from her cruel stepmother the Evil Queen.

 

You know, I PAID to see Snow White.

Paid.

Actual money.

In a theater.

I did this mostly because I was out of the country when the advanced screening happened, and honestly, I’d trade travelling halfway around the world to see the pyramids and Petra again if that was an option.

Yes, I’m aware that this iteration of Snow White is supposed to be terrible. How do I know this? Because star Rachel Zegler told us the film would be undoing everything that made the 1937 animated classic, well… CLASSIC.

For the most part, she didn’t lie to us. Was there a Prince who saves Snow White? No… ish.

There is a semi-alpha male named “Jonathan” who gets arrested by the Evil Queen, saved by Snow, but who also wakes her with a (non-consensual) kiss.

There weren’t going to be any dwarves in this version because, eww!, that would be insensitive… ish.

We now have 7 creepy CGI dwarves IN ADDITON to the 7 not-dwarves we were told were their much more acceptable replacements.

But the dwarves don’t really factor into the story except in the nearly beat-for-beat recreation of the cottage scene.

Look, there’s a lot wrong with this version of Snow White, far too much to outline for you here, but here’s the biggest takeaway from this film:

None of the actual shortcomings are Rachel Zegler’s fault. Did she do her damnedest to ruin the film beforehand? You betcha!

But in the actual execution, she may very well be the best thing about the movie.
“Hold on!” I hear you screaming; “does that mean the movie is GOOD?”

No. It just means she’s the best thing in it. The movie is pretty unremarkable, all things considered. The cinematography is pedestrian, often looking like a Disney Channel film instead of a theatrical blockbuster. The new songs are absolutely terrible, in no way meshing with the 2 legacy tunes (“HI Ho” and “Whistle While You Work”) which were likely last minute additions to complete the reinsertion of the dwarves.

I mean, one of the new songs is called “Princess Problems,” and the fact that it’s title is that stupid is the only reason I remember it at all.

But more than anything, it’s the script. It’s not good. Not by a long shot, and it never had a chance to be good. Why?

Snow White is the result of multiple bad concepts (making a live action version of a classic and then updating the film for “modern audiences”), and some absolutely atrocious pre-release PR blunders by the aforementioned Ms. Zegler.

This movie should suck so badly it has a Ford sticker on the tailgate. But instead, somehow, it’s just kind of… there.

It is a movie that exists.

And I paid to see it.

So you don’t have to .

You’re welcome.

Snow White is in theaters now and stars Rachel Zegler, Gal Gadot, Emilia Faucher, and Andrew Burnap.

And remember, if the BEST thing you can say about a movie is that it’s “visually stunning,” then they’ve done something wrong.

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